Today: 40 days ago.

It hurts me still. My mom's voice upon breaking the news is still lingering inside my mind.
It haunts me still, bringing along a very deep, and sharp pain somewhere in my heart.


And the regret, it takes me forever to get rid off such feeling. He and I, we never had this good and steady father-daughter relationship. I blamed him for whatever happened. I rebelled inside whenever he said all the good things about being a girl. And I kept blaming him for whatever it is that I couldnt do or not up to his expectation. He hoped me to be someone big but I kept on insisting that whatever I'm doing is the best because this is what mak wanted one of us to be to fulfil her dream she couldnt achieve before. I know for some reason, this isnt a big deal for some, but  I keep saying to myself, worry not, for they dont know whatever I am living. 


I know I've failed you, but I couldn afford it, abah. Dilla tak boleh sebab I am not as bright as those students yang mampu capai top 10 ranking in every exams. Yang boleh dapat straight A's or 1A's. I just couldnt because I know myself better. And becoming such you had wanted me wasnt as easy as it seems. I knew you hoped that from angah too, but if angah just couldnt , what more on me?


But I regretted it now. I wished I could somehow said it you, that I'm hurt for not trying to explain. I'd kept it inside and added to this awkwardness between us. I regret I never had a single effort to at least strengthen the bond. I kept blaming you for whatever happened. I was harsh to you. I couldnt stop admitting what a useless hopeless daughter I am for not contacting you though not often as mak, but just enough to make you feel better at least knowing that I'm alright here.  I was not a good daughter you'd expected me to be when you're still alive, abah. This feeling's killing me slowly abah, I'm in a full regret, how I wished I would've listened to my heart, just called to ask for a bless for my final exams last year as that would be the last voice I heard from you. And I've been trying so hard to recall the very last phone call I made just to recall your voice. Because. I miss you. 


I'd prayed this silent pray before that He would ease your pain but the end of you and me wasnt what I hoped. I'd wished you would be as healthy as before, this was what I meant in my pray. But He meant otherwise.


I know many things I'm doing and involving aren't what you'd want me to. But I remained silent, kept it all secret, never ever let you know because deep inside me still wanting to continue. How ignorant I am, by purposely forgetting the fact that you'd be answering to Him my every misbehaviour . You're responsible for whatever I'm doing that you didnt even know. Ever T_T




This year's the last one, abah. I promise. I was not a good daughter to you. Someone please give my sense back cuz I dont wanna add to those burden you might be dealing with. 






Al-Fatihah.
Friday, January the 28th.
The day I received a news of another loss. Be strong me dear friend, be stronger than me.