Your last day, in 1 minute

The answers are in our hands.

Today: 40 days ago.

It hurts me still. My mom's voice upon breaking the news is still lingering inside my mind.
It haunts me still, bringing along a very deep, and sharp pain somewhere in my heart.


And the regret, it takes me forever to get rid off such feeling. He and I, we never had this good and steady father-daughter relationship. I blamed him for whatever happened. I rebelled inside whenever he said all the good things about being a girl. And I kept blaming him for whatever it is that I couldnt do or not up to his expectation. He hoped me to be someone big but I kept on insisting that whatever I'm doing is the best because this is what mak wanted one of us to be to fulfil her dream she couldnt achieve before. I know for some reason, this isnt a big deal for some, but  I keep saying to myself, worry not, for they dont know whatever I am living. 


I know I've failed you, but I couldn afford it, abah. Dilla tak boleh sebab I am not as bright as those students yang mampu capai top 10 ranking in every exams. Yang boleh dapat straight A's or 1A's. I just couldnt because I know myself better. And becoming such you had wanted me wasnt as easy as it seems. I knew you hoped that from angah too, but if angah just couldnt , what more on me?


But I regretted it now. I wished I could somehow said it you, that I'm hurt for not trying to explain. I'd kept it inside and added to this awkwardness between us. I regret I never had a single effort to at least strengthen the bond. I kept blaming you for whatever happened. I was harsh to you. I couldnt stop admitting what a useless hopeless daughter I am for not contacting you though not often as mak, but just enough to make you feel better at least knowing that I'm alright here.  I was not a good daughter you'd expected me to be when you're still alive, abah. This feeling's killing me slowly abah, I'm in a full regret, how I wished I would've listened to my heart, just called to ask for a bless for my final exams last year as that would be the last voice I heard from you. And I've been trying so hard to recall the very last phone call I made just to recall your voice. Because. I miss you. 


I'd prayed this silent pray before that He would ease your pain but the end of you and me wasnt what I hoped. I'd wished you would be as healthy as before, this was what I meant in my pray. But He meant otherwise.


I know many things I'm doing and involving aren't what you'd want me to. But I remained silent, kept it all secret, never ever let you know because deep inside me still wanting to continue. How ignorant I am, by purposely forgetting the fact that you'd be answering to Him my every misbehaviour . You're responsible for whatever I'm doing that you didnt even know. Ever T_T




This year's the last one, abah. I promise. I was not a good daughter to you. Someone please give my sense back cuz I dont wanna add to those burden you might be dealing with. 






Al-Fatihah.
Friday, January the 28th.
The day I received a news of another loss. Be strong me dear friend, be stronger than me.

Say it

Yes,

I am the sinner.

You're the all-time saint.

...and those hands to take me up 

is all i need.

Si Gadis

"perlu gagah dan tak reti tewas
perlu kuat dihenyak dicantas.."

Wisdom

"... ramai yang terlalu sibuk mencari pujian.
mencari penghargaan.
mencari pengikut.
mencari pak turut.
mencari persetujuan.
mencari anggukan.

berhentilah.
berhenti takut untuk dimakicaci.
berhenti takut untuk dibenci.
berhenti risau diperbanding.
berhenti risau dipertanding.

kerana ilmu tidak pernah tentang siapa terbagus terhebat tersohor terpingat.
ilmu adalah bila untungnya setara didapat."


Source: http://puisitepijalan.blogspot.com/


A very very insightful piece of mind.


p/s- I adore you :,)

Some people hide, their every desire

I promised you no updates till Friday right? I cant. Just dont question much. Please. Just need to let it out at some point I'm not sure when and how. But I'm sure I will, every bit of it.


As for now, Ive been meaning to say this to myself, right to my own face:


"So you think you're a very very strong girl, can really go through every single bump in life. You feel you can do everything you think you can. Believe me, you're not as strong as you think/feel you are. Because you're not, for HE is the almighty. At some point you think yeah, life bumps are life bumps, what's the big deal? Life must go on, no matter how hard or painful, heart-breaking or whatever it is. Easy said than done, it is. Believe me, it's NEVER as easy as anyone could ever imagine."


Wearing a happy mask doesnt help much this time around I guess...








Ya Allah, stressnya nak lari jauh jauhT_T

Alias

It's me again. Last post until next Friday I promise. Cannot tahan, must tell one.

********

Siapa ada nicknames and sampai sekarang dia guna takpun kawan-kawan die panggil tak kire depan family, kawan rapat, bf/gf, angkat tangan! Bukan nama macam Ahmad botak, Joyah gendut, Halimah jongang, Mak Dara ke ape semua tu. Dia nama yang memang bila orang panggil, orang-orang lain yang tak tau asal usul nama tuh macam huh? Apehal die panggil macam tu woh :O totally different from your real names. Memang sampai lubang cacing orang tak tahu nak relate kalau kau tak open table kasi terus terang -_-'

Selain nama betul betul yang makpak kasik tuh, adela adik beradik kasi jugak nama tapi taknak share dekat sini, biarlah saya dan keluarga saya yang tahu. Berguling guling pedih telinga kang ada suara suara sumbang panggil nama tu kang. Ini kali, dekat entry ni, saya nak cerita nama-nama saya sepanjang zaman persekolahan menengah yang sampai sekaraaaaanggggg orang masih guna, kalau bukan secara asal pun, secara hybrid. Atau kata lain, dah disingkatkan takpun dah diubahsuai menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin diorang rasa, lagi syahdu didengari dan disebuti kot. Erkk

1. Yokoe: yang ni senior dorm yang kasi. Zaman sekolah menengah kan, duduk asrama pulak tuh, padahal nama takdelah panjang berbelit-belit susah nak sebut sebab tu kasi nama panggilan lain. Ni sebab trend,eh tradition. Tak payah nak fikir panjang, senior dah bagi maka kau kene ikut. Lagi-lagi super senior, kau tak boleh kata tak,taknak, mahupun saya tak sure la saya suka ke tak nama tu kak. Kau kene terima, dan diwajibkan ke atas kamu dan rakan-rakan kamu serta seluruh warga asrama masa tu untuk memanggil kamu dengan nama tersebut. Jangan ingkarrrr kelak menyesal. Tapi saya ingkar juga sedikit. Sedikitt. Ingat lagi dekat kantin masa tu tiba-tiba ada sorang kawan ni datang panggil nama baru. Punyala sentap masa dalam hati apesaalll ko panggil aku dekat sekolah nama tu woh, kat sekolah nama sekolah lah! Terus cakap kat die "kite tak suka la nama tu, jangan panggil kita nama tu eh, panggil kita nama mak abah kite kasi" fullamakkk gile kentang ah kerek gua. Rasa nak tapak-tapak diri sendiri masa tuh , dengan nerd gila pakai spek full frame tudung kura-kura. Nightmare gila kalau korang tengok weh. Haha.. Dulu kalau orang ungkit pasal zaman form one memang gua boleh nangis empat hari empat malam benam muka dekat bantal takpun mandi dekat kolah asrama siram kepala banyak kali biar orang tak tau aku tengah nangis masa tuh. Sadis woh. Lagi-lagi bile dah naik upper form skett. Biasa ah baru nak uppp kaann.Boleh putus kawan wa cakap lu.Haha. Skang, ko nak tunjuk gamba aku tido muka terherot2, senyum menyeringai-menyeringai hape2 jelah gamba huduh berkerak kerak tahap langit ketujuh pun aku tak kesah. Hati kering dah la konon. Haha. Chill weh, takde dulu takdela sekarang kan?Macam la sekarang cantik. Tak, bak kata P.Ramlee lawa takda, manis ada haha rasa nak tapak je muka lagi sekali.

Haa nama ala-ala Jepun bukan sebab muka aku persis gadis Jepun. JANGAN fikir macam tuh, tergurisguris hati aku. Bukan jugak sebab ameltz yokoeyokoe melegakan ketegangan urat. Ni semua sebab akak dorm masa tu gila dekat actor/actresses Jepun. Maka jangan banyak soal. Semua junior siap dengan form 4 baru masuk pun   dapat nama yakni Tomoko, Reiko, Nanako. Hambikk! Lepas tuh kau ingat dunia berjalan secara malar seperti itu saja?Oh tidak. Dpd Yokoe, jadi Yoke mengada nak singkat singkatkan macam la panjang benar nama tuh. Sampaaiiiiiiii sekarang rakan-rakan sebaya semasa di sekolah yakni perempuan memanggil sebegitu rupa. Tapi, yang berlainan jantina tidak. Diorang ada nama sendiri yang diorang panggil -_-

2. Peah- ya!ini dia nama yang dimaksudkan itu. Of all names kan. Heeeeee! Alkisah, abang aku yang no 3 tuh dulu masa sekolah main ragbi sampai kebangsaan terserempaklah dengan ruggers sekolah aku. Balik-balik je diorang dengan sunburn kilat kilat muka kelat tak habis lagi dah panggil aku nama camtuh. Hambiiik sampai sekarang melekat. Dapat dekat gha, mell, dyla, dll geng2 lidah pendek tak boleh sebut nama lebih dari 2 suku kata terus jadi Pek. Tak pun tetibe angin kus kus datang konon nak komersialkan nama kawan ni hah, jadiklah rafeah buang, ha yang latest, safiyah. Gila kudus kan? Syahdu je. Tiba-tiba rasa nak pakai kain batik duduk bersimpuh tepi air terjun sambil selit bunga dekat telinga. *muntah darah*

Ko ingat macam mana abang aku tuh dapat nama camtuh?Adekah die lembut2 persis perempuan maka senior pun kata "alaa macam kak peah la kau ni. Panggil kau peah la," Siapa fikir macam tu sila malu sekarang. Buat apa aku penat2 bagitau abang aku main ragbi?Cis. Die dapat sebab dulu abang long aku sekolah dekat sekolah tu lepas tu senior bagi nama tu dekat die. Haa, yang ni adelah sikit2 relate dengan akak peah, diorang kata muka dia macam kak peah. Ceh, dan2 kata "diorang" macam aku kenal je senior senior dia masa tuh, and korang pulak macam kenal je kak peah tuh sape. Aku pun tak kenal. Malu sikit. Haha. Sampai situ jelah. Gila ah kronologi.  Takde modal lain diorang ni pun, sebab abang kau tu orang panggil Peah, maka kau adalah Peah mulai saat ini, detik ini, ketika ini. *tang tang! bunyi hakim hentak ape ntah orang panggil tu* . Sampai 3 generasi dah Peah, Peah II, Peah III. Haha. Aku harap satu hari nanti aku dapatla jumpa kak peah yang dimaksudkan. Tak pasal-pasal die glamer sampai nama disebut-sebut dekat sekolah lain zaman berzaman. Hmm pastu kalau dia ada anak, ditakdirkan anak dia anak murid aku, tak  kira apa nama dia, memang korang dah dapat agak kan apa nama aku nak panggil dia? *tumbuh tanduk sikit*

3- Dilla, dell, adel dan lala

Zaman matrik, bila orang tanya nama takkan nak menjatuhkan air muka sendiri kata  "hai, nama saya dot dot dot panggil aje yokoe takpun peah, kalau nak singkat dan ringkas lagi mesra, boleh je panggil Yoke takpun Pek. Kalau rasa tak cukup komersil, panggil aje rafeah buang" mau kene baling tulang ayam terselit celah gigi since semalam dekat situ jugak. Maka, aku pun bagila nama yang kaum klorga aku panggil. Rasa janggal woh sepanjang hayat tiba-tiba perkenalkan diri dengan nama Dilla. Erkk

Ha aku rasa geng lidah pendek malas nak sebut lebih dari dua suku kata ni ada dimanamana. Bukan diorang yang disebut di atas tadi tu je ye. Maka, aku pun malas nak panjang cerita, jadiklah dell.

Masa dekat ipoh pun macam tu le gamoknyee. Penat-penat bagitau,panggil je dilla alih-alih pergi pendekkan sendiri sendiri tanpa notis 24jam. Ade satu hari tu kan, sorang coursemate ni tanya, eh apesal nama kau dell eh? Tak puas hati le teww aku dapat nama glamer. Haha. Bajet gila. Aku pun dah polohpoloh dahi dada debar debar alahai macam mana nak explain ni. Kang cakap  kawan kawan aku semua lidah pendek dia tak caya. Aku pun try an error, alih-alih dia percaya...weehuu. Tapi ayat last die boleh tahan sentap jugak ah "owh, ingatkan sebab ko pakai laptop brand  Dell"  -_-' Terguris wehh sebab pakai laptop acer je.

Skarang housemates pakat pakat panggil Lala. Eh, takdelah pakat pakat buat mesyuarat dekat bilik lepas tuh bila aku datang diorang shhh shhh eh menade tak discuss ape ape pun. Tak. Diorang pakat sendiri dalam hati. :S 

Series weh ramai gila tak tau nama betul aku. Ade sekali tu masa baru-baru belajar guna nama penuh dekat FB tetibe ade orang macam "ooh ni nama kau" dekat wall aku.Haha..

Dah takkesah dah aku korang nak panggil ape walaupun ada orang kata, apa yang orang panggil tuh macam doa kan?Takpelah, tak de pulak aku pernah dengar so far nama-nama tuh bawak maksud tak baik kan. Lagipun semua bergantung dekat niat. Aku percaya diorang tak ada niatniat tak baik, kan kan kan koranggg?

Cmane la agaknya kad kawen aku nanti. Pastu papan tanda ke rumah pengantin semua semua tuh.Ramai tak kenal nama penuh aku ni.Isk isk. 

Ade jugak kang aku tulis Nur Fadhillah Bakren@Yokoe@Yoke@Peah@Pek@Dilla@Dell@ Adel @Lala. Bak kata Kak Di, kau ade???

Be ready!

Happy Saturday, everyone. How's today treated you? Good? No good? Mine was not so bad. I had 9 hours of sleep. Very good sleep I must say. Woke up feeling super fresh, alhamdulillah. So what did I do? I unpacked my clothes, and packed other clothes (unwanted) and rearrange the remaining into some new places, no longer using the cupboard outside my bedroom for my clothes. Well, do not visualise, you wont ever get it, like how would cupboard be outside the room, right? It's not really outside, like next to the door or whatever nots, it's outside my room, but still inside a room. Get it, no? Tell you what, forget it. This room's super unique, it needs some visual explanation,  will show you later. :P


 I guess I'm bringing the habit from home, dont get me wrong, no self-proclaiming intended. The last thing I remember was helping mom to rearrange things, pack unwanted clothes, and tidied up bro's and my rooms since he's.. erm not gonna tell you now. Promise will update about this soon. I thought we wouldnt have enough time since we started only two days before I came back here and I said to mom we should've continued when I'm back again on July. I changed my mind few hours after that. Because 6 months later, I would've different feelings, perhaps not as enthusiastic as I was that time. Mane tau mengada-ngada nanti dah malas ke ape. Glad that we've finished the rooms part, there're more on the waiting list though.  Rasa macam badang, siap boleh alih-alih almari lagi dari one room to the next.  


Enough with such babbling. (Nak kemas, kemas jelah sape kesah kan?) haha.. I was actually planning to rearrange my notes, files, books etc etc, ended up on clothes. Will continue later, kot. Ive got TWO assignments due next week; Wednesday and Thursday. Till then, shall see you again next Friday?




p/s- I planned to change my blog layout, design, and all since it's new year. But I guess, major changes need time, so I'm doing it slowly, by bits. See the blog title and it's background? That's what I meant. The blog title? It's from Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. And oh, orange's for "be ready for whatever things approaching." Maybe, maybe not. It could be a coincidence. I was just playing with colours, and apparently orange suits my mood atm. Layaaan

In less than 24 hours

I'll be there again. Expect nothing from me for I am clueless. I'm not sure what tomorrow brings and to where it'll lead me to. Well who is?

Pray for my safety ya?


P/s- I'm so sorry I sounded so harsh but that's so you know that I too, have feelings.

P/s/s- happy 10th kengkawan :)

Panas luar panas dalam

Ini satu warning. Maka sila take note dan awas. Kalau ingkar kau berpotensi mengguris hati nurani aku dan keluargaku serta orang terdekat aku.

I've just lost one of my dearests, maka hati aku tak kencang dan cukup sedia dengan apa apa lagi kemungkinan. Redha, tapi belum betul betul gagah.

Jadi tolong.. tolonglah  jangan soal macam macam, jangan korek dalam dalam just because perkara ni pasal family, jangan cuba ambil kesempatan selak selak singkap singkap lagi kain langsir rumah keluarga aku. Cukup dengan apa yang aku sudi nak bagitau. Kalau.

Tak semua, tak semua ya, willing untuk bercerita banyak pasal family melainkan dengan orang orang terdekat dan terpilih, dan memang pasti bukan untuk dijaja. Jadi kalau kau bukan salah satu daripadanya, sila buat buat tebalkan muka kalau mahu bertanya. Jangan nak selamba ya-ya.

They said, " siapa siapa pun takkan dapat faham, melainkan kalau dia pernah rasa kehilangan". Dulu aku rasa statement tuh macam kerek, yelah orang lain nak simpati, tumpang sedih, ye tak? But now, baru aku rasa panas pedih perit terluka terhiris terguris hati ni bila aku belum ada cukup kudrat to get back on track, ada yang patah patah  n pudarkan  semangat yang baru ada dengan ayat ayat tak kurang kencangnya bertanya itu ini atas bawah. INI FAMILY AKU, kau kenapa?!!

Aku pun taknak guris hati siapa siapa, in fact i do need you people to be by my side, to keep praying with me. I may still need those shoulders you lent me.  Tapi tolonglah faham, aku pun manusia biasa, just like you you and you. Jangan tanya lebih lebih boleh tak?Sensitivity, sensitivity people, c'mon, where has it gone?

 

Astaghfirullaah..Wassobaru minal imaan, rememba?

2011; new year, new hopes

2010 will surely be missed. So many things happened, some shall be kept closed to heart, some are better been left out, while some shall be brought along the new year. Overall, it was full of colours, mix matched by Him in a balance. Unpredictable balance it was. I had the most happiest, heart-warming as well as heart-melting moments of the year, I had one of my life time dreams came true,  and not to forget, heart-breaking, shocking, frustrating ones which surely required more than a gallon of my tears.

I guess I'm not gonna write long, I have loads of things in mind; the resolutions, aims, changes etc etc but I think I'm gonna keep them all  to myself. Being more secretive is probably one of my aims, or more of a to-do list?

Here's one good way of welcoming new year. Click here My personal view, it's never a harm to have such a thought. After all, every beginning is pointing to an end, sure thing. 

*3 days before I step in to the real world of my own again. God, I need more and more strength. Guide me nowhere but  to everything for THE BEST for my life and my loved ones'.